Turkey here, turkey there...

After the Butterball is Over

By Rick Horowitz

"...here on Day 3 of the Turkey Leftover Crisis. To recap: Turkish elements have apparently overwhelmed good sense and restraint and taken control of refrigerators coast to coast. Where they come from, and precisely what their demands are, we don't yet know. Analysts, however, say the move was not entirely unexpected, given the..."

It's still in there. The holiday's over, the guests have gone home, and it's still in there. You served seconds. You served thirds. You made everyone eat more than they ever thought possible; then you made little packages for everyone to take with them. It didn't make a dent.

"...received a phone call claiming responsibility for the Leftover. Calling itself the Holy Balsamic Giblet, the previously unknown group said that its occupation forces were prepared to 'hold out forever,' if necessary. Thus far -- Day 4 of the Turkey Leftover Crisis -- there have been no reports of further casualties, although the fate of the Jell-O mold is uncertain, and analysts fear..."

It never fails -- you always buy one 10 times bigger than you need. What did you think, the Detroit Lions were going to drop by for a post-game snack? There's no way anybody you know could have finished that bird!

"...said to represent left-wing elements, although the right wing couldn't be discounted either. The major news, then, here on Day 6: the release of that videotape apparently showing Balsamic Giblet members singing 'After the Butterball is Over,' and calling for immediate Turkish reunification. Sources at the State Department continue to insist that such a plan 'simply won't fly,' though they say they're willing to discuss other possible configurations once the Jell-O is released. We'll have more later tonight on a special edition of 'The Turkey Leftover: Frigidaire Held Hostage.' Meanwhile..."

You never knew one piece of poultry could last so long. Three meals a day for the entire family, and there's still no end in sight. Turkey sandwiches. Turkey stew. Turkey soup. You're running out of ideas.

"...as Day 9 brings the crisis no closer to resolution. Unconfirmed reports tell of Turkish Leftovers actually expanding in size and power and dislodging rival factions from all available freezer space. Turkish separatists now claim that..."

Turkey biscuits. Turkey cereal. Turkey ice cream.

"...would neither confirm nor deny reports, here on Day 13, that the 82nd Airborne will be deployed. One major problem, analysts say, is that any attempt to overthrow Turkey runs the risk of destabilizing Grease, with serious consequences for the entire PLATO alliance. Only as a last resort, they say, should..."

Turkey neckties. Turkey doorstops. Turkey planters.

"...be guaranteed safe passage out of the kitchen. Here on Day 22, however, the two sides remain far apart, and it remains to be seen whether..."

You have to throw it out. You simply have to throw it out.

...to bring you this bulletin: A giant feathered object has just landed in a field in New Jersey. We repeat: A giant..."

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator and public speaker.