Out of Time at the Five-and-Dime: Cliches in Aisle Seven

By Rick Horowitz

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-- and that's the biggest reason pit bulls make such terrible babysitters. Back to you, Curt."

"Thanks, Mitzi -- some great reporting there! Mitzi'll be back at 10 with even more `Threats From Pets.' But now let's turn to tonight's tearjerking-but-heartwarming closing story, and here to tell us all about it, the biggest heart in the newsroom. Burt, you notice I didn't say the biggest jerk!"

"Curt, I certainly appreciate that. Pretty restrained of you there."

"Well, it's like our slogan says: `We're All Best Friends -- And That's Not Just a Slogan!' So tell me, Burt, I understand this closing story really is a closing story."

"It sure is, Curt. I'm standing here on Beat Street downtown, directly in front of the legendary Woolworth's. As you know, the Woolworth Corporation recently announced that it'll be shutting down the last 400 of its five-and-dime stores all across the country, including this one right across from the Blessem Mall. So we thought we'd pay a final visit to a real slice of Americana and see how shoppers are taking the news. Excuse me, sir? Can I ask you what you think about the end of Woolworth's?"

"A tragedy. Just a tragedy. It's a real slice of Americana, you know."

"Kind of the end of an era?"

"How's that again?"

"The end of an era, do you think?"

"Absolutely: the end of an era. I don't know what we're gonna do without it."

"I understand. Tell me, how often do you and your wife shop here?"

"Oh, we never shop here."

"You never -- ?"

"Nah -- haven't been inside the place for years. They've got better stuff over at Target. Nicer-looking store, too, if you want to know the truth."

"Well, how about that famous Woolworth lunch counter? I'll bet you've got some heartwarming memories of that lunch counter."

"Can't think of any."

"None at all?"

"Fell off a stool once and threw out my back -- that close enough?"

"I see. Well, thanks for stopping by. Let's see if we can -- Miss? Excuse me, Miss, could I ask you what you think about Woolworth closing?"

"An end of an era, that's what it is. And you know what else it is? It's like a slice of...of..."

"Americana?"

"Apple pie. It's like a slice of apple pie. Woolworth's is what this country is all about, you know what I mean?"

"I sure do. So what would you say was your favorite part of the store?"

"I didn't really have any favorites."

"Liked it all pretty much the same?"

"Actually I've never been in it. But my grandmother used to tell me about it -- she used to get all her nightgowns there. And goldfish."

"And you?"

"I don't like goldfish."

"Well, thanks for chatting with us. Let's see if -- "

"I never liked goldfish."

"That's OK. Thanks anyway. Let's see if we can -- hi there! What do you think about Woolworth's shutting down?"

"I think it's fantastic. Completely fantastic."

"Fantastic?!"

"Yeah. `End of an era,' `slice of Americana' -- the whole nine yards."

"Right, but why is that fantastic?"

"I'm a producer over at Channel 4. We needed something for our tearjerking-but-heartwarming closing story, or we were -- "

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7/22/97