Chute -- Anyone Could've Done It!

By Rick Horowitz

Click.

" -- an amazing sight in the skies over Arizona's Yuma Proving Ground. More than 50 years after he parachuted from his burning Navy bomber over the Pacific Ocean, the 72-year-old former president jumped once again from an airplane -- this time voluntarily.

"'I'm a new man,' said Mr. Bush after he floated gently back to earth under a brightly colored canopy. 'I go home exhilarated.'

"Official Washington, meanwhile, reacted to Bush's latest exploits with a mixture of shock and admiration. 'I am mightily impressed,' declared President Clinton, who said he empathized with what his White House predecessor had done. Aides later explained that, in the president's view, tripping down a flight of stairs at Greg Norman's house was 'almost like free fall.'

"The president also said that he, too, expected to jump from a plane one day -- 'when I turn 72,' he predicted, 'or the moment Susan McDougal decides to testify.'

"The president insisted that his jump, whenever it occurred, would cost the taxpayers nothing. 'There's plenty of advertising space on that thing,' he explained.

"From Africa, First Lady Hillary Clinton responded cautiously to word of her husband's parachute pledge. 'Bill has stepped out on me before,' said Mrs. Clinton, 'but never at 12,000 feet.'

"Traveling in China, meanwhile, Vice President Gore received the news of Bush's jump and met with reporters to dampen speculation that he might attempt a similar stunt. Said Gore, 'My advisers tell me that there is no controlling legal authority on this matter -- except the law of gravity.'

"Speaking to the National Press Club, former presidential candidate Bob Dole declined to consider a jump of his own. 'Bush looks a lot better in silk than I do,' Dole quipped, while former candidate Ross Perot insisted that he'd been floating in space for years.

"On Capitol Hill, House Speaker Newt Gingrich said he'd be happy to jump, but only if they let him leave the plane from the front door this time.

"House Majority Leader Dick Armey said he and other House Republicans supported Mr. Gingrich's intentions. 'In fact,' said Armey, 'the sooner he jumps, the better.' Armey said several Republicans had already volunteered to pack Gingrich's parachute.

"Over in the Senate, Majority Leader Trent Lott said he had thought about jumping, but that it would mess up his hair.

"Elsewhere in Washington, independent counsel Kenneth Starr started to jump -- but changed his mind.

"Attorney General Janet Reno said she still saw no reason to jump, but that she'd continue to review the situation.

"Businessman Johnny Chung announced that, next to giving questionable donations and visiting the White House, parachute jumping was his favorite activity. 'I love pulling all those strings,' he said. Chung also said he hoped to get a photograph of himself and Mr. Clinton 'going down together.'

"Former CIA nominee Anthony Lake said he'd already jumped.

"Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said she'd just discovered that her parents were originally skydivers.

"And Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he thought Bush's plane was flying too high.

"Turning now to kick-boxing -- "

Click.

3/28/97

©1997 Rick Horowitz. All rights reserved.