The media confess!
See? What Did They Tell You?
By Rick Horowitz
"Thank you, Burt. Thank you, Christine. And a warm welcome to all of you -- our shareholders and advertisers, without whom we wouldn't be gathered here this morning, our reporters and editors, and, of course, all you valued readers. It's a great crowd, and we're so glad you're here!
"These little get-togethers of ours grow more elaborate every year, don't they? But we understand, when you come right down to it, that it's about lots more than fruit cups and cinnamon rolls. Here at the Daily Treasoner, we take our responsibilities very seriously.
"And what are those responsibilities? In a phrase, to do everything we can to make our country weaker.
"Now, I know some of you are surprised to hear me say it as plainly as that. You've had your suspicions all along, some of you. And others? Well, it's been more than simply suspicions. I can tell from your letters and your phone calls -- you've been pretty much convinced from the get-go that weakening our country is what this newspaper is all about.
"Well, I'm here to tell you that you're right, so why beat around the bush any longer? We might as well come right out and say it. Our primary goal -- the thing that motivates us 24/7 here at the Daily Treasoner -- is to tear this country down.
"Some people want to build it up? Not us. We want to tear it down.
"That's been our dream -- and I'm sure I speak for every member of our staff -- from the moment we first went into this profession: to do everything in our power to undermine our nation, undercut our leaders, and make us ripe for the picking by any enemy or evil madman, anywhere in the world, who's looking to do us harm.
"That's our mission, and we're proud of it.
"I'm sure some of you, when you chose careers, you went into the family business, whatever it happened to be, because you decided that family loyalty and tradition were the most important things to you. That's fine. And some of the rest of you? Well, maybe you picked careers you knew would make you the big bucks -- doctors, lawyers, whatever.
"Not us, though. We chose journalism, and we chose it precisely for the opportunity it gave us to ruin the country we all grew up in.
"That's why we got into the business, and that's why we've stayed at it year after year. It's why we cover the stories we cover, and it's why we write and edit our stories the way we write and edit them -- to only show the negative. And that's true whether it's the war in Iraq, or something the president says, or something right here at the city council -- we want to get people upset for no good reason, so they can keep our elected officials from doing their jobs.
"It's treason, but somebody's got to do it.
"So anyway, right about now, you're probably wondering: Does the Daily Treasoner come up with all these terrible stories, not to mention all these totally unpatriotic opinion columns, all by itself? I wish we could say that we do, but tearing down America is too big a job for any one newspaper. That's why we have a conference call every morning -- all the editors of all the newspapers coast to coast -- so we can decide the best way to hurt the country that day.
"And, of course, when it's something really special, we also get secret instructions from our controllers overseas: Bashir, Ahmad, Vladimir, Tsing-Lo. These are people -- and I've named just a few of them -- who are every bit as dedicated to America's downfall as we are, and they tell us step by step exactly what we're supposed to do to make it happen. That's a real time-saver!
"And speaking of time, I see mine is almost up. I know I've just touched on a few of the highlights here, but I hope I've given you at least a flavor of what we do and, even more important, why we do it. Destroying this country is what gets journalists up every morning, and what puts us to bed every night with smiles on our faces.
"Let's take a short break, and when we come back, we'll show you how we burn the flag."