McClellan

Getting a Few Things off His Chest

By Rick Horowitz

Nighttime is when things break loose. In the great silence, beneath the cover of darkness, all manner of sprites and spirits are on the prowl. The sudden rattle of the windows may be nothing but a passing breeze -- or something more. When the sprites and spirits are moving, no one is immune, not even a former White House press secretary. Especially a former White House press secretary.

"Scott..."

"Mmpppffff..."

"Scott McClellan..."

"Mmp -- who's that? Who's there?"

"It's time, Scott McClellan -- time to unburden yourself."

"Unwhat?"

"Unburden yourself. Make a clean breast of it. All those secrets that torment you? Let them go. Turn them loose. You'll feel so much better!"

"Are -- are you my conscience?"

"Better than that -- I'm your agent."

"I didn't know I had an agent."

"Everyone in Washington has an agent, Scott."

"Even if I left?"

"Especially if you left. Think of all the stories you collected. Think of all the stories you could tell."

"Well, I guess I did witness some pretty exciting times there."

"'Witness' them? Scott, you were right in the middle of them! Every day up there at the microphone, fielding those questions from the media, and -- "

"They could have pushed me harder."

"Exactly."

"They should have pushed me harder. Especially on the war."

"Exactly!"

"They let us get away with..."

"Murder?"

"Propaganda."

"Good enough."

"And blunders. Serious strategic blunders."

"Now you're talking! But it wasn't just you, was it? You were part of a team."

"I...I guess. I mean, it's not like we were all equals or anything. Karl threw his weight around a lot more than people knew."

"The tales you could tell!"

"It was just a permanent campaign around there, especially with Karl -- it was all about getting re-elected, getting re-elected."

"See?"

"Oh, and Cheney -- I swear, I never saw a guy have so much power and leave so few fingerprints! It's like he'd do something, overturn a decision or make a policy or something, and poof -- it's like he was never there!"

"A magician."

"A magician."

"And the president let him get away with it?"

"The president?"

"President Bush. He ran the show, right? They were all working for him, weren't they?"

"Well...see, that's the strange thing. There was probably a lot of stuff the president didn't know. I mean, didn't let himself know. Once he decided on something, that was it, and he'd just ignore whatever went against it. On Iraq. On Katrina. Whatever. It was almost like...like self-deception."

"People need to hear that."

"You really think so?"

"Oh, absolutely! First in hardcover, and then in paperback. Plus all the interviews."

"I'm not -- these guys were my friends, you know? It would be like turning my back on them, wouldn't it? And they'll go after me, I know they will."

"All the better!"

"'He's disgruntled!' 'This isn't the Scott McClellan we knew!' 'Why didn't he ever say anything at the time?'"

"Hey, if they want to help us with the publicity, let 'em! It just means more sales!"

"It does, doesn't it? You think they'll go for it?"

"Of course they will. If they don't attack you, it's like they're admitting everything."

"Distract people."

"Exactly."

"Change the subject."

"Precisely."

"And you're sure this'll be OK?"

"OK? Scott McClellan, you'll be performing the highest kind of public service!"

"You know, I feel better already."

"I knew you would. Sign here."

"Can I go back to sleep now?"

Posted 5/30/08. Daytime or nighttime, just click to Rick's" for the best in political satire!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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