Those wacky Swiss

Plenty of Holes in This Story

By Rick Horowitz

"Swiss Accidentally Invade Liechtenstein"

Actual headline

Time'll play tricks with a person's memory -- that's what Momma always used to say, and I guess that's so. But like everybody in my generation, I don't think I'll ever forget the night we first heard that Switzerland had marched into Liechtenstein.

This was back in the winter of '07, one night right after dinner. I was helping Momma clear the dishes, and Poppa was in his chair where he always went after a good meal, and Emmaline and Betsy were just getting started with their homework, when all of a sudden Rolf came running up the stairs from the basement. Rolf was the computer whiz in the family, and he'd been down there roaming the world on his brand-new Macintosh when he saw the first dispatches. Now he was taking the stairs two at a time.

"It's war!" he was screaming. "It's war!"

Well, we weren't the sort to rattle easily. There were wars all over the place back in '07, and one war more or one less wasn't apt to make much of a difference in the way we looked at things. That's how we must have figured it anyway, but then Rolf gave us the crucial details.

"Switzerland!" he shouted. "Switzerland just invaded Liechtenstein!"

And that changed everything.

In a flash, Betsy was at the bookcase reaching for the Atlas of the World that Uncle Hobart had given us that time. "Citizens of the planet" -- that's what he'd called us when he first brought it by, and we'd already rubbed the leather cover shiny in places from seeing just where this or that important event was going on. But I swear, we'd never until that very moment looked up Liechtenstein. Now Betsy and Emmy were flipping the pages, faster and faster.

"Why, there's hardly anything to it!"

Which was absolutely true, which we all took turns seeing for ourselves. On the great big map of Europe, Liechtenstein wasn't any more than a dot, while Switzerland, right next door, looked almost like a giant.

"That's the only way Switzerland'll ever look big," said Poppa with a snort. "Standing next to Liechtenstein."

Poppa had been mad at Switzerland for years -- something about an old boyfriend of Momma's and a fancy box of chocolates.

So Poppa stayed put, but the rest of us all gathered around the map, turning it this way and that, trying to make sense of it all. Couldn't they have found another way to settle their differences?

"Poor little Liechtenstein!" said Emmy. (She always had a soft spot for the underdog, Momma liked to say.) And then suddenly Emmy stood up straight and pulled her shoulders back and announced that we had to get rid of all our Swiss cheese.

"In solidarity!" Betsy agreed. So we all of us moved -- except Poppa, who sat right where he was, with his head buried in a magazine -- to the refrigerator, where we threw in our lot with the Liechtensteiners. We weren't even sure that "Liechtensteiners" was the right name for them, but we couldn't come up with a thing that was any better, or any shorter.

By the time we got back from the Dumpster, Rolf had been down to the basement again, only now he had this peculiar smile on his face, like he was embarrassed about something.

"It's over," he announced. "It was all a mistake."

And then he told us the parts of the story he hadn't read the first time, before he came running up the stairs all out of breath. There was a training exercise for the Swiss Army, he said. It was nighttime, he said, and a whole company of Swiss soldiers had gotten lost in the dark and wandered across the Liechtenstein border.

They'd marched a mile deep into Liechtenstein -- which, the way I figured it, was practically out the other side! -- before they realized what they'd done. And as soon as they realized it, Rolf said, they marched right on out again and called Liechtenstein to apologize.

"That's just what they want you to think!" This was Poppa again, until Momma shot him one of her looks, and he piped down. Well, almost. "Those Swiss," he kept muttering under his breath. "You can't trust 'em!"

Eventually Poppa stopped being so angry. He agreed that people make mistakes, even countries, and that a one-night war where nobody got hurt was lots better than the other kind.

And Momma swore over and over she never ate a single one of those chocolates.

Posted 3/7/07. Searching the globe for the news you need -- it's "Rick's" for you!

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist, TV commentator, writing coach and public speaker.

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